Thinking I was a shoe-in to being a candidate I applied to become a Eucharistic Minister. As quickly as I applied I was turned down. Three years later I went to become a Godfather to my cousin’s daughter. My heart sank as I was almost turned down for that. I asked why and I’ll never forget the answer from my Pastor. “If you don’t give 25% of your money to the church you’ll go straight to hell. And since you are not giving me an offering, I have no obligation to sign this release [to the Bishop]”. Jaded by the response…I started to question a lot about the church, God, and if it was even all real. By the time I went to college I left it all for a season of partying, drugs, lust, fornication, and alcohol. I just gave up, thinking the church was just a money-making scheme and God was just made-up to keep the population in line so we don’t kill each other.
During my college years in Indiana I ran into “Christians” who witnessed to me, which fueled my hatred for them even more. One got caught shoplifting in Wal-mart ™ which I drove him to, and another took me to this “church” where people barked like dogs and flopped around on the floor like fish out of water. To me, born-again just meant you were nutty and hypocritical.
After graduating with a Bachelors degree in Electronic Engineering Technology, I took a job back in New Jersey and brought my girlfriend back with me. I got addicted to internet pornography and lost all sense of right and wrong. Hating the madness of the east coast, I found myself back in the Midwest three years later…Iowa of all places. No job, and no plans, we stayed with a friend of ours in their basement till we got on our feet. It was those trying times that steered me back to faith…but beyond what I had before.
I finally asked my girlfriend to marry me, and started the pre-marriage process. She wanted to get married in her old church in her home town, which was fine, but had to get the pastor’s approval. We took the test, and went through the interview process, after-which he was very close to not presiding over it. We were too opposite of each other, and it more than likely would end in divorce. The only thing we had in common was that we were not Christians. I remember him asking me what I thought of the bible, God, and what it meant to be a Christian. I basically let him have it…since I had nothing to lose at this point. After we were done, he gave me a Christian men’s magazine, and a marriage book. I read them and came Sunday morning to his service.
The service was nothing like I had expected. I was floored that he actually read from the bible. I remember leaning forward and soaking in every word. I was intrigued because I learned more that one morning than I did my entire life in the Catholic Church. We finally did get married, and we struggled staying together even three months after. My best friends were taking bets to see when we would divorce. Three years was the longest on the table.
As we were going through the marriage process, I was feeling a tremendous pull toward God again. It was almost unbearable. I was confused, and downright scared about the whole thing. I quit smoking. I went to the Iowa State Fair and came across a Noah’s Ark exhibit. The pastor talked with me for about 45 min about the bible, and to be honest in my head he sounded like the teacher from the Peanut’s cartoons. Nothing made sense at all. I finally grabbed him by the shoulders and told him I don’t understand any of this…but I want to. He prayed for me, gave me a little booklet, and sent me on my way. I must have read that booklet 100 times, and the more I read it, the more confused I got.
During the next several months God wouldn’t leave me alone. The more I churched hopped, the more I hated the whole “system”. I decided to do penance at the Catholic Church because I was lusting after my best friend’s wife. I took penance with five different priests, and all of them gave me five different answers. Something was drastically wrong with one telling me it was ok to think about as long as I didn’t act on it. I finally gave up.
Jonesing for a cigarette and drink, I decided to go for a walk around the block late at night. Disgusted at all of it I stopped, looked up to God and asked, “If you are real. If you really are who you say you are…I want you to reveal yourself to me. If you don’t, I’ll stop searching and be done.” For the first time in my life I heard, felt, whatever, that small still voice saying, “Get your phonebook…we’re gonna end this right now.” I went home, grabbed the entire religious section of my phonebook, closed my eyes, flipped through, and put my finger on Heartland Christian Fellowship (A Calvary Chapel). So I went the next day.
It wasn’t really anything that was preached that day because the service was a missionary couple from Africa who were talking on a cell phone. It was a moving service, plain church, about 50 people in the room, and nothing really exciting. My guard was up high, but I about fell over when the pastor made announcements and said if we wanted to give there was a box in the back, but he wasn’t here to make money, he was here to lead people to Christ.
At the end of the service, the pastor and I met in the middle isle and talked. I was broken. He went through the 10 commandments with me and revealed even more of my sin.
“Have you ever told a lie?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“What’s that make you?”
“A liar.”
“Have you stolen anything?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“What’s that make you?”
“A thief.”
“Have you ever lusted after a woman?”
“Well, yeah, but the priest said it was ok.” He took out his bible and turned to Matthew 5:27-28.
“Read this. What does it say?”
I began to read. “You have heard that it was said to those of old, you shall not commit adultery, but I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Finally, someone showed me in the bible what I was doing was wrong and got the answer I’ve been searching for. I really broke down at this point. I knew I was in big trouble, and on my way to hell, and that I had committed adultery with my friend’s wife without even having sex with her. Not only that but we only that but I had 7 more commandments to go, and that I had broken them all.
As I was wiping the tears from my eyes he prayed for me. Not one of the “sinner’s prayers”, but that God would open my mind to the truth and set me free. When I walked out of there I had a peace that was like no other. I asked God to forgive me of my sin, and I started to confess all that I did. I knew at that moment that I couldn’t be Catholic anymore. I knew that abortion, homosexuality, cursing, lying, stealing, porn, was all wrong. But what I also knew was that God knows when you are serious. When you get serious with Him, He will get serious with you.
I’d like to say that my life was just rosey and perfect after that but you learn pretty quick that there are people who hate Jesus even more than you did when you were not saved. Some friendships have been strained by my new life. People I knew made fun of me. My relationship with my wife went from bad to worse. She was not happy with my decision and since I was a different person it would be easier to get divorced. It was hard times, but two years later she became a Christian, and gave her heart to Christ. Her life changed dramatically. God brought us closer than ever and I love her more now than I ever did. I got even more friends, and my friends who thought we would get divorced after three years…well…they are now all divorced, including my in-laws. We have been married since October 5, 2002 and still together. I have focus for once in my life, I am content with who I am…a child of God, but most important my sins are forgiven, and I have a relationship with my God.
I don’t know what’s in store for me. I created this blog to help people get answers the honest answers they’ve been looking for. I am the student as well and I have learned so much in my walk since I got saved March 2, 2003. I’m not perfect, but I have good intentions. I am a sinner saved by God’s gift of grace and mercy through Jesus…and I would like to share that with others. Gifts are made to be shared.
If you ever want to ask me a question about anything, whether its something that I wrote, what I think, or whatever…email me at honest_answers@msn.com.
