Talking To Strangers - Takeoff...The A.R.E. Method

Starting and ending the conversation is much like taking off and landing a plane. They are both the hardest, most nerve-racking times in flying. For most of us its as scary as flying in and out of Toncontin International Airport in Tegucigalpa, Honduras like I have. This airport is one of the most dangerous and deadly, narrowly clipping the mountainside. It's so dangerous that it takes special pilots and training to be able to do it.  It's so scary that when our short-term-missions team arrived and our wheels touched the tarmac, people in the cabin start cheering and praising God, thanking Him for sparing their lives.

One of the main reasons people don't talk to strangers is that they don't know how to start the conversation and keep it going. Over the years I have taken some ideas about talking to strangers from different people and incorporated them into my everyday life. The A.R.E. method is just one of the many tools I remember when situations come up.

The A.R.E. Method

Throughout the years there have been many different techniques on how to start a conversation with a stranger. The A.R.E. Method of starting a conversation was a simplified view of some of the most notable efforts. Created by communications expert, Carol Flemming, involves three main aspects. Anchor, Reveal and Encourage. 

Anchor

In order to start a conversation, you and the other person need a connection between the two of you. This is an observation of a mutual shared reality with the other person. When you want to talk to someone in your vicinity, look for something you are both seeing or experiencing. Possibilities are:

• A band that is playing close by. 
• You both are Jurors on the same trial. 
• A strange looking dog that walked by. 
• A book they are reading. Maybe you actually read the same book. 

If you are having difficulty trying to come up with something in the moment, use your senses and ask yourself:

"What am I seeing right now?"

"What am I hearing at this moment?"

"What do I smell in the air? Food, campfire, the summer night air?" 

No doubt within seconds you will come up with at least five things to strike up a conversation with. 

Reveal

Next, reveal something about yourself that is related to your anchor. By opening up a little more, you extend to the other person a few more threads of connection and trust. This also provides them information in which to respond.

"Oh you took ballet in college. Des Moines is a very eclectic city. I love going to the opera here."

"You must try this restaurant in the city called, Bubba's. It's my favorite."

"I took painting in college. I wasn't very good, but the class was interesting."

The reveal portion is more for keeping a conversation going rather than starting one. Occasionally just commenting on your surroundings and revealing something about yourself is a great way to start a conversation. If you are in a pet store and someone stands next to you, you can say, "Isn't he cute? I had a cat like that once. His name was Stinky." You never want to start a conversation by saying, "Can I ask you a question?" Most people will say, "no" and walk away. If they say anything at all. 

Encourage

A sure-fire way to make a person feel good and smile is to notice them. People love to be noticed, especially those who feel that they are insignificant in the world. Encouraging people and those around us is a huge part of loving our neighbor as ourselves. We as humans love when people encourage us. It not only makes us feel good about ourselves, but also reinforces different things about us. This can be displayed as several parts. 

Complementing

One of the best ways to ask a question is to tie a complement and a question together. Complementing others is not just a way to get into a conversation, but it helps us not to focus on ourselves. It gives us the freedom to genuinely see others without our selfishness getting in the way. When using this technique it is best to stick with three types. 

1. Style, whether it be jewelry, an article of clothing or even a tattoo. People wear things to be seen and noticed. Complementing them on their style reinforces their decision-making and really makes people feel good. 
• "That is a super-cute blouse and you wear it well. Did you pick that out yourself of was it a gift?" 
• "I love that tie. Looks very nice on you. Where did you get it?"
• "That is an awesome tattoo. So detailed and classy. Did you design it yourself?"
2. Accomplishment. Congratulating a person on an accomplishment reinforces their ego a little, and helps them to be noticed especially when those around them don't seem to care. 
• "Congratulations on the promotion. What do you think was the thing that put you over the top?"
• "Wow, you look fantastic. What is your secret to staying fit?"
• "You have a B.A. in Engineering? That must have been tough. How long did it take you to graduate?"
3. Good behavior. Letting a person know they made the right decision is an important element to complementing and encouragement. Sometimes when things happen rather quickly, it's good to know that you did the best you could and to hear that from others. 
• "It was really cool how you handled that [situation]. How did you stay so calm?"
• "I love how you disciplined your son. How do you do it and encourage him at the same time like that?"
• "You're so patient especially when he was rude to you. What is your secret?"

Lend a Helping Hand

Encouraging others also comes in the form of lending a helping hand when needed. When using this form of encouragement, it is really important to be aware of what people are doing. You may need to spend some time people watching and discerning what is needed. Some of my best conversations come from giving aid to those around me. Here are some ways I like to help others to get my foot in the door of a conversation:

1. Struggling Selfies. Sometimes when I am at an attraction with lots of people, there are those who are struggling to take selfies, especially with couples or groups. I like to offer my services to take the photo for them. Most of the time people are handing me all their phones and glad for me to take them. Other times people are reluctant, in which I use humor and say, "I think you can catch me. I'm really big, and really slow." If they still say no, I just wish them a good day and move on without hurt feelings. I also like to use humor in the shot. After I take the pictures needed, I will move closer and closer to someone who is smiling to the point where it is obvious I can't make the shot. After the pictures are done I like to ask them where they are from or if they have any questions about the area like good restaurants or entertainment nearby. The best part is that if someone else who is struggling and sees your helpfulness, they will be happy to fork over their phones as well. 
2. Information Booth. When I am in the downtown area, or at an event, I notice people sometimes look lost, or if they are in a group trying to figure out were to go to eat, see, or do. I then gently say to someone in the group, "Not trying to impose, but I noticed that you seem a little puzzled about the area. I'm from around here. Is there anything I can help you find." Depending on the pride level of the person you are asking, they will either say yes or no. But this is a great opportunity to then ask where they are from, what type of food they like and so on. The sky is the limit to the amount of conversation you can have. But just remember they have places to go and probably won't stick around for a lengthy conversation. 
3. Just Plain Help. I've been there numerous times to just help others in need and literally lend a hand. True story, one time I was at the Post Office and a baby slipped out of the blanket in her mother's arm and was headed for the ground. Instincts kicked in and I reached down and grabbed the child right before her head hit the concrete floor. I just so happened to be at the right place at just the right time. 

The sky is the limit when helping someone in need. The key is to be able to pick up on the needs around you and follow through with it. You have to discern quickly, and be ready to jump in at the right time. 

Since this is a spiritual blog, and the purposes of starting a conversation is to share the gospel with another person, all these methods are great ways to lead into spiritual conversations or to offer tracts or Gospels of John. Following up a great conversation with something spiritually tangible is a great way to end on a good note. Especially when it comes to lending a hand. You can end with:

"Let me give you a gift, and welcome to the neighborhood. It's a gospel of John, and I would like you to have it."

"I really enjoyed our conversation. I'd like to give you this [tract] and when you get a minute please take a look at it and consider what it says."

"I hope you find what you're looking for. By the way, here is something else to help you on your way through life....[and hand them a Gideon New Testament]. 

I hope you found this encouraging to you as you go about your day. Try to apply some of these principles as you go about your day. If you are still fearful about reaching out and talking to others, simply see a situation, and muse about it in your own mind. Think about how you would approach a person in a certain situation. Imagine having a good conversation with that person. How would you approach? What would you say? What anchors or things can you use to start the ball rolling. As you go on and meditate on these things, you will find it's not as difficult as it seems. Just think, maybe you are exactly what that other person needs today. Brighten someones day and talk with them. 

Talking To Strangers - Why Should I?

Lately people who know me and know that I like to share my faith on the streets, have been expressing to me how they can't understand how I can strike up a conversation with a complete stranger and share the gospel. I often hear, "I could never do that." or "I don't know how you do it. Isn't it hard? It seems impossible for me."  I find it ironic that in some of these conversations that in their next breath say, "Nothing is impossible with God." I tend to agree, nothing is impossible with God.

Listen, I didn't just wake up one day and just start talking with strangers. With anything, if you want to get better at something, or master a skill, it takes a great deal of patience, time, and practice. You have to ask yourself, "How bad do I want it?" If you have any reservations about the idea, you won't put in the effort, and it will fizzle out. By nature I am extremely introverted. But introverted doesn't mean shy or isolated. It means that I take my conversations with people very seriously. It means that I l lose energy with the more people that surround me, and I gain energy being alone. But one thing is for sure, it does not excuse me from talking to people I don't know. You need to be honest with yourself. Every person you are friends with today, was a stranger at one time. 

Why Should I Care About Talking To Strangers? 

Ask yourself why you want to talk to strangers. For me, I wanted to be able to share the gospel with them. There are way more people I don't know than those that I do know. Since I wanted to share my faith with the largest chunk of the pie graph of the people in my life, I needed to start talking with them, and not just to them. There are several reasons to start conversations with strangers. 

It's Practice For The People Who Really Matter To Us.

All people matter. I view every conversation I have with a complete stranger as an opportunity to practice and enhance my speaking skills for the people who matter the most to me. These are the people who are closest to me in my sphere of influence, who I will see on a daily or weekly basis. No one who plays football goes on the field on the first day and plays a team for a real game that will count towards their record. It takes a great deal of learning, training, and practice before challenging a team. Those conversations are game day, with uniforms and pads on. In order to have those conversations, I need to first practice. But you don't practice with the people you are going to play against. When you play the big game, you want to give your very best. Talking to strangers allows us to make mistakes and say the wrong thing without being judged for it. Most strangers actually worry more about themselves looking like fools, than you looking like a fool. Most of the time you will brighten the day the person you talk with. 

Strangers Can Give You a New Outlook On Life and Issues. 

I think it is very important and healthy to look at something from a different perspective. On issues regarding homosexuality, abortion, or even women in leadership, my views are founded on the bible, and will not change. But in order to talk about these topics, I need to at least try to understand the opinions of the other side. We likely may not agree, but understanding from where they are basing these views will help me share the gospel in a way that will be more empathetic. Col 4:5-6 NKJV calls us to, "Walk in wisdom toward those [who are] outside, redeeming the time.  [Let] your speech always [be] with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one." 

In the same token, it is important to have these dialogues because people in the world need to hear how we, as Christians, view the world. Homosexuals, alcoholics, and those who are in bondage to any sin need to know that we don't hate them and that they too can be redeemed by Christ's blood. In order for us to be heard, we need to be able to show grace and listen to what others have to say. 

Can Brighten Another Person's Day

There are some people who go through life and live the same boring routine each day. Get up, eat, get dressed, go to work, come home, eat, go to bed and repeat. Sociologist Keo Stark in her Ted Talk video, Why You Should Talk To Strangers, comments, "When you talk to strangers, you are making beautiful interruptions into the expected narrative of your daily life, and theirs. You are making unexpected connections. When you don't talk to strangers, you are missing out on all of that." Studies from Keo Stark and Gillian Sandstrom (Psychology Department, University of Essex), both agree that more often than not, people genuinely enjoy a strangers company, and that their day was a little brighter after a conversation with a stranger. One reason is that people feel more comfortable to be honest and open about their inner selves than they do with their friends and family. They often feel more understood by strangers. This is easy to see being that our love for family and friends can be misinterpreted as prejudice and judgmental because we passionately care about those whom we love and are close to. When we talk to strangers, we are devoid of those emotional bonds. It's almost freeing to be who we are around them. 

Where Do We Go From Here?

An irrational fear of strangers is the perfect recipe for social awkwardness and anxiety. Being comfortable around strangers makes you calmer and an overall better person. It's only weird if you make it weird. Act naturally, enjoy the time and start a paradigm shift in the right direction.

So, if you have anxiety about talking to strangers or want to share your faith but can't seem to get into a conversation, this blog roll is for you. In the next few posts I will show you several ways how I approach strangers for conversation, how to start conversations and keep them going. I believe if I could help you with this important step, other larger steps will seem easy. Practice may not make you perfect, but it will feel a whole lot easier doing it. 

What's Love Got To Do With It? The Problem.

Something has been on my mind for a long time. It's really been bugging me, and for obvious reasons I cannot seem to get past it.  My wife knows there is a problem. My friends see there is a problem. Even my family in NJ has noticed a problem. I have never been an excited person before, and not very outgoing, but this goes much deeper than that. I just couldn't put my finger on it.

After the death of my sister Jenni, in 2007, I haven't been able to cry. I've said in the past that I have shed all my tears that I will ever have left on her. I've tried to cry. I've tried to shed tears multiple times, for many different reasons and occasions. Some of those reasons were completely valid, and rightfully important to show compassion and sympathy for others, especially for people close to me. When it really bothers me is when my wife is hurting, seriously in pain emotionally, and everything in me seems cold, shallow, and disconnected like a robot devoid of emotion and feeling. I often wonder what is wrong with me, and what I have done to get this way; especially when my wife looks at me and says, "I want my husband back," but I feel nothing. 

The last time I visited NJ, I went out to eat with my best man when I got married. We sat down at the bar, and after ordering our food he asked me, "Can I ask you something? What makes you happy? What do you enjoy doing?" After five minutes of silence and musing over the thought he said, "That's a problem. I can think of 50 things off the top of my head. What happened to you?" Honestly I don't know. Now, I enjoy things. I enjoy the opera, I enjoy taking a walk in the woods and fried chicken and waffles. Even though fried chicken and waffles is as close to nirvana as a person can get, that blissful type of happy, is missing.

Ephesians 4:19 talks about how the Gentiles are past feeling, among other things. This verse is the only verse where this word is located in the entire bible. It is where we get our modern word, apathy. Strong's Concordance G524 which means, "to cease to feel pain or grief. To become callous, insensible to pain, apathetic." From this verse and the previous verses, we can see that the Gentiles walked in the futility of their mind, their understanding darkened, being ignorant, and alienated from the life of God because of the blindness of their heart. Can you see why I am disturbed about this? This is a problem that must be addressed, and solutions that need to be found.

So I started to think about where else I had seen this problem elsewhere in the New Testament. Then it hit me, the church in Ephesus in Revelation 2:1-7, which is labeled, "The Loveless Church." Both letters - Ephesians and Revelation 2:1-7, were letters written to the church of Ephesus. The Ephesian church was surrounded by pagan idolatry and false teaching. They Jesus knows what they have been doing, and commends them in Revelation that they cannot bear those who are evil, tests false teachers, persevered in patience and have not grown weary. They hated the same evil Jesus hates. But you can imagine, surrounded by all the wickedness of the city, that their hatred for false teaching overpowered their love. They didn't lose what they were fighting for, but for Whom. They labored for Christ's name sake (Revelation 2:3), but were they winning souls, or winning arguments?

I have a heart for people trapped and conned into false teaching. My heart breaks for Mormons (LDS), Jehovah's Witnesses, Catholics, and the endless list of false teaching. I used to be trapped in Catholicism, and have been where they are. It angers me more than anything to see people suffer through cults, to be trapped in false doctrines, led away by broods of vipers. I want nothing more than to give them a one liner or a verse that they would wake up and turn away from the lies. To shoot them with the "silver bullet" as it will, and kill the demons within them. But the thing with the silver bullet is that it ultimately kills the person for whom is tortured, and makes them the innocent victim. It does Christ, and them, no good when they leave their false prophets, but don't run to Christ for fear of turning to another one.

As I witness and share Christ with this lost and dying world, I need His heart. I need to do it for Him. I need to be so filled with the love of God, that it is reflected onto this world I live in. My LORD has this burden too, and feels infinitely more grief for those who reject Him for man-made doctrines and lies. Jesus calls us to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:14) and not let our frustrations with false teaching overpower the love of Christ within us. I hope that I have the solution to this problem shortly to share with you, and hopefully I will be able to cry again.